I am very lucky to have parents that love me unconditionally but I bet it’s really hard for them as it is really hard for me to love my boyfriend and my friends unconditionally. That’s why I always wonder, to love someone unconditionally means I would have to forgive my partner with everything, even cheating. Now that’s a little absurd, in our society today that’s called being cucked by your own lover. Achieving unconditional love is so hard, it’s hard with friends, family and romantic relationship. I have the greatest respect for those that can say they have achieved unconditional love but is it really? (I’m always skeptical when a couple tells me this. Parents loving their kids unconditionally, sure but not romantic relationships. Much much harder to achieve.) Anyway, since it is really hard to talk about all three at once, I want to focus on romantic relationships today.
Here are the 8
that I think are really important in a romantic relationship and definitely a good recipe for unconditional love brewing. *I want to say that I’m not in anyway an expert in relationships, I’m simply writing about my opinion on achieving unconditional love. This is personal experiences so I would say to take these with a grain of salt. FYI, I’m not in a perfect relationship and I have not achieved all 8. This list is not in any order, it was the top 8 that came to my mind that I thought are the most important, there were 22 but they got repetitive.
- Trust: I cannot stress how important trust is. Once you get to the point where you can say, “yeah he/she can hang out with any girl/guy and I trust that he’ll come back to me.” or “I trust my partner with my emotional and financial issues” or “I trust that my partner will be a good parent.” Then you my friend might want to marry him/her ASAP. Trust is a huge issue with any couple. I had trust issues at the 10 months mark and I have trust issues now after 5 years. These trust issues I came to realize were coming from myself, most of the time I just wasn’t comfortable with myself. For example, I might not have felt very attractive that day and I noticed him glancing at another girl, I would make a very big deal out of it because I wasn’t comfortable with myself, to trust myself that I’m a beautiful person and I don’t need to compare other women against myself. Now, what’s even worst is being able to trust your significant other again after an especially difficult time, it happened to me and it’s not uncommon in romantic relationships. But in my opinion, everyone makes mistakes, big mistakes takes longer time to heal and trust me, I’ve been there (actually I’m still there.) The important thing is learning how to forgive and I mean truly forgive meaning you cannot think about it out of no where and fight about it (also it’s important to learn to forgive yourself too, understand you’ve made a very big mistake and learn from it.) If you cannot forgive someone, then I would say get out before you’re too old to find someone else, save that person a heart break. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve been forgiven for the mistake that I have made (I haven’t truly forgiven myself either, it’s a terrible mistake that haunts me, and those are the best mistake to learn from.) At the same time, as a receiver of forgiveness, you cannot expect forgiveness. I’m not a saint and I don’t expect my significant other to be one. (No one is a saint! Get your head out of your ass if you think your partner is a saint. I got my head out and life is a lot easier.) Trust also ties in with honesty. Be honest in your relationship, if you only see it as a short term make it clear. It will hurt a lot less later on for both sides when things end. It’s like a really good lawyer move to tell the partner that it’s short term so he/she can’t come back to you with the, “why didn’t you tell me earlier. Why did you waste my time.”
- Patience: I’m referring to getting angry at the most stupid time or getting violently angry and not being able to take it back. I would have to say that I used to have the least patience. I don’t know how my boyfriend dealt with me back then, if I don’t get my way I definitely get teary eyes (what am I saying, I BAWLLLS) I get really emotional during menstruation and I definitely like to start fights. It’s gotten better now that my head is out of my ass but it used to be so bad. On the other hand, my boyfriend has the most patience when it comes to dumb things. I think the biggest reason for this is simply because he could give 2 crap about stupid things. I mean he loses patience when it’s the bigger things but other than that he much more chill. How did I achieve being more patient? I’m not really sure, it comes with maturity I think. You grow and you see things and you realize life isn’t like a “The Notebook.” he’s not going to come back to you if you threaten him with a sob story, if he didn’t have empathy for you, it’s not likely that he will.
- Commitment: Commitment is so important when it comes to a healthy-long term relationship. Okay, this is kind of like “The Notebook.” Like when the guy waited for the girl for years and built her a house haha. I would like to think that commitment is saying I want a long term relationship and during this time, I won’t cheat on him/her physically or emotionally. It’s hard to be committed in the 20s or even in the 30s for men but I think once you’ve found that person, you’ll know. If you cannot commit don’t regret it, if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t mean to be.
- Sex: This a a taboo subject that no one really talks about. I think I’ll take a stab at it. I think the sex should be really good in order for the relationship to succeed. And it has to be exciting. I mean is he/she willing to try new positions and make things more fun for you? I mean would you even like the person if he or she is boring in bed? Being in a long relationship doesn’t mean you should stop having sex. Just because you got him/her on your fingers it doesn’t mean you should stop trying to please him/her. And that goes to say in and out of bed. Same goes to going on dates and what not. Just because you got him/her it doesn’t mean they would be loyal to you.
- Selflessness: Selfish is the opposite of selfless. This is the very top most important thing when it comes to achieving unconditional love. Can you really be selfless to that one special person? Do you share everything that you have? Do you think of her when you’re doing something special? Do you think of her when he/she is sick? Can you be as selfless to him/her as your parents are to you? You know that person in your life that would do anything for you without getting anything out of it? That’s being selfless. Keeping mental notes about things you done for her/him and then cashing it in later isn’t being selfless.
- Fights: Fights are definitely the hardest but once you’ve reached a time where you can accept that it’s okay to fight and you’ll forgive each other eventually. Then you’ve achieved another star towards unconditional love.
- Being Comfortable: This is about physical comfort and emotional comfort. I think one of the most wonderful thing about being in a romantic relationship is being able to have someone to sleep with, ever heard of the song, “I don’t like to sleep alone” by Paul Anka? That’s how I feel a lot of the times when I fall asleep without my boyfriend. It’s really important to be comfortable physically with your partner, does he or she make you not necessarily safe but feel comfortable when you two are together. Are you comfortable with your partner when you look your worst? Can you do anything with each other and not be embarrassed? Not only that but are you comfortable with his/her family and her/his friends? After 5 years of being together, I’m still not comfortable spending alone time with his family when he’s away and I doubt he is comfortable with mine. That’s just the physical part, the mental part is really important too. Are you able to share everything with your partner without worrying about the consequences? I can’t do this yet, I’m always afraid that if I ask him the “ultimate” question, I’d get a “no.” As you can tell I don’t have everything together yet. 🙂
- Compromises: I think compromises just comes naturally. This is kind of like that free square when you’re playing bingo. If you have achieved everything up there, you’ll be able to get this star easily. I’m not sure if it’s something you can force or work on. I like to believe that you CANNOT change a person. If he/she never liked to compromise, it’s not going to happen no matter how you try to change him/her. But there’s one thing that will happen, if he/she likes you enough, your partner will do anything for you.
I believe that if you can achieve these 8 points, then you’ve achieved the perfect romantic relationship with your significant other. You have achieved unconditional love. I started with 22 things that are necessary to achieve unconditional love but then I narrowed it to 10 and finally I ended up with 8 biggest points.
I made a list but I don’t think this is even achievable for me at the moment. There are still things that I still have to work on about myself to be able to say, I can give my boyfriend unconditional love. If only it would be easy to love like my parents love me. I mean my parents just gave me unconditional love the moment I was planted in my mother’s stomach and I’m VERY GRATEFUL for my family’s love. I used to think that I loved my boyfriend unconditionally but that was when my head was in my ass. I mean it’s possible but as of now I’m not there yet. Therefore, I am truly in admire of those that can say they love each other unconditionally.